This post was originally published by Perinatal Support Washington and has been edited for length.
Kristin Kali, LM CPM, is a licensed midwife who provides care for “all families, all family structures, genders, and orientations,” with a focus on LGBTQ families through her practice MAIA Midwifery & Fertility.
What’s unique about her practice compared to conventional medical/fertility clinics is the focus on a normal, healthy pregnancy and fertile parents (who probably need outside help in the way of donor sperm); this is different from much obstetrical care, which is designed around problem pregnancies, focusing on infertility, she says. Kristin spends a lot of time with clients in the preparation for pregnancy—nutrition, exercise, vitamins—things that many heterosexual couples do after they are pregnant, but here that planning starts before conception. “You can’t really say that you specialize in LGBTQ [care] if you don’t provide these services preconception,” Kristin emphasizes.
“What families gain by creating queer/trans-specific parenting community allows a deeper level of being held in the fullness of what that experience is. It’s like walking into a room and not having to explain yourself.”
In her practice, conception is usually achieved by IUI (intrauterine insemination) with donated sperm. The sperm needs to be carefully tested for sexually transmitted disease. This process can be expensive and emotional for the couple involved. “It’s hard to access care in the mainstream medical system that will be sensitive and supportive of that.” She says she counsels on interfamily dynamics and the whole issue of testing the sperm. “I have breadth and experience to do that in a way that normalizes it,” she says.
She stresses that her focus in midwifery is to support families that are being created, so it’s not just the clinical care, but also emotional support. That means “creating the village that helps to create that child.”
About the greater Seattle area, Kristin says, it’s a community that’s very accepting, generally positive with lots of “mixed” spaces. You see this especially in “integrated” parenting groups—”parenting is a great equalizer,” she notes. Most of her clients won’t see direct homophobia in these groups. “But what’s lost [in the integrated groups] is the very unique experience it is to conceive as a queer person or trans or genderqueer person,” she points out. These experiences—such as getting pregnant with donor sperm but not because of infertility—are not reflected and centered in most parenting groups.
Other issues that are unique to LGBTQ families include:
- homophobia from extended family;
- wanting to seek out donor siblings;
- not being out, especially as a trans person.
“What families gain by creating queer/trans-specific parenting community allows a deeper level of being held in the fullness of what that experience is. It’s like walking into a room and not having to explain yourself.”
When it comes to emotional adjustment during and after pregnancy, Kristin sees many of the same things in her LGBTQ clients as she does in her heterosexual clients: body changes, not sleeping, etc. But there are some unique challenges, too:
- how much money it takes to conceive;
- navigating breast- or chest-feeding (sometimes both parents want to feed the baby with their body);
- partners not genetically related to the child and the response of the culture to that;
- and generally feeling like they are on the “edges.”
There are unique challenges to trans parents, she explained. “Culturally, lesbian and gay families have benefited from progressive social movements, but we still have trans people being told they can’t use the bathroom in public.” For a trans man, for example, it may be physically dangerous to appear pregnant. For a trans woman, becoming a mother may be an affirmation of their gender as a woman, so if they are not able to carry a baby or become pregnant, it might feel like a loss. Kristin says that’s why she feels so strongly about focusing on this population, and wanting trans people to have sensitive care.
Resources
- Perinatal Support Washington partners with PEPS to provide Adjusting to Parenthood drop-in support groups for the emotional challenges and changes of adapting to parenthood.