By Dana Guy (Estimated reading time: 4 minutes)
I learned something really meaningful in my PEPS Group for Parents of Adolescents and Teens (PAT) that has stayed with me for years. The week we discussed Communicating Effectively with Adolescents, our Group Leader asked the simple but powerful question: Where can you find quality time with your adolescent?
And she reminded us that it’s probably not the same as it was when our kids were little. That stuck with me. Because life changes: our kids change, we change, and how we connect has to change, too.
When my daughter first became a tween, I was right in the thick of that group, and I had this realization that grocery shopping — something I usually thought of as a chore — was actually turning into one of our best connection points.
I used to dread taking her grocery shopping with me when she was younger. It was hard then — everything took longer, she pulled things off the shelves, or she could melt down at any moment, and it was stressful. But now? She’s older, she’s helpful, and she sneaks a few things into the cart that I wouldn’t normally buy, which she loves.
In the car on the way there or walking the aisles together, she doesn’t have to look me in the eye, and that opens the door for her to share what’s on her mind. Those conversations, even the quiet in-between moments, are gold. And that conversation we had as a group of parents going through the same parenting stage together helped me completely reframe how I see that time.
Now, here I am a few years later. My daughter is 14, and my son is 11—just beginning to enter that same phase. And once again, things are shifting.
My son plays a lot of baseball, which takes up much of his time. But when he does have space, he is willing to go on walks or hikes with me. And I’m so grateful for that.
On a recent Saturday, before his baseball game, we had an open window of time. He said, “Let’s go for a hike.” So, we went to Discovery Park—it was one of those stunning Seattle spring days. We made it to the water, took in the views, and just walked.
Unlike my daughter, he takes longer to open up. But when we’re out in nature, with space and quiet, eventually, he’ll start to share what’s on his mind. And those moments feel so precious and fleeting as he grows.
I know this won’t last forever. What works now for connecting with him will probably change again. But right now, I’m soaking it up every chance I get.
My PAT Group was so helpful in teaching me to proactively be on the lookout for moments and helped me see things before it felt like my hair was on fire from raising two teens. And that simple question, prompted by our facilitator — Where can you find quality time with your adolescent? — has become a simple reminder as I navigate these changing seasons. Sometimes it’s not about creating a big moment. Sometimes it’s a grocery run or a walk in the woods. And when I show up with intention and stay open, those ordinary moments can turn into something special.
About the Author
Dana Guy is the Executive Director of PEPS, providing strategic leadership and cultivating our mission, vision, values and commitment to racial equity. She oversees programming, fundraising and operations, and fosters an inclusive and supportive organizational culture. Dana is a strong believer in the power of social connection, leads with passion for equity, authenticity and transparency and is a champion for learning and growth.
